Saturday, June 30, 2007

Is Mark Towner Deserving of More of My Time?

I'd like to say that the answer is "no", but I can't seem to help myself. I'm hopeful this will be the last time I feel compelled to put the name Mark Towner in a post.

I recently noticed a week-old comment posted to a blog that I set up with the intent of chronicling my wife's and my anniversaries. I didn't start it until this past March, our fifth anniversary, and I thought that it would be something fun for us to look back on in 10 or 20 years. We were in Las Vegas for the occasion, and attended an awesome concert at the MGM Grand, featuring one of our favorite bands, the Dave Matthews Band. You can read it if you'd like to have some context to my gripe here about the good "Doctor" Towner (Under the Table and Dreaming).

Yes, pretty dull for anybody other than my wife and me, I'd imagine. But Towner commented on this post, saying he now understood "who and what I am". Perhaps I missed the soul-spilling details from the post that divulge the content of my character, but Mark seems to have picked them all up. Of course, there's no detail in his comments (yet) about what he's learned about me, but I've (somewhat) politely solicited him for some clarification. This has led me to ask a couple more questions about Mark Towner, other than, "why does the Attorney General associate with this guy?"

  • Question 1: What does Mark really know? One blog post was all he needed to figure me out. Yet he asks of the hilarious and poignant JM Bell "who are you really"? Then subsequently confesses to Misty Fowler that indeed, he has no idea who she is. So Mark, what superpowers did you use to discern my character that you couldn't have mustered for JM Bell and Misty Fowler? Was there kryptonite nearby when you were posting comments about them? Or, given your pirate alter-ego, were you instead distracted by a pretty "wench"?
  • Question 2: Who doesn't love a good "Wench Auction"??? Oh, that's right. The Attorney General. Oh, and people who respect women.
  • Question 3: Is Mark so self-righteous that he thinks he can judge others--me, or anybody else--based on their personal escapades? I mean, I may have imbibed some in Las Vegas and called a guy a jerk for clapping when somebody dropped their tray at a restaurant (does that really make me a jerk?). But at least I didn't propose nuking an entire country to prove a point.
  • Question 4: Does Mark Towner sincerely believe people care whether he knows them? I'd dare say a few politicians who do know him are probably trying to distance themselves from him. Mark claiming he knows me is the equivalent of having a serial killer speaking raspily into my phone receiver saying, "I know what you did last summer". Whether you claim to know me, or want to know me, or admit you don't know me it doesn't make you any more relevant or less crazed. Fictional characters--and the likes of you--don't scare me.

I've debated whether to post this to The Sidetrack or keep it on my personal blog, but Under the Table and Dreaming has probably had three total readers since I created it: My wife, Mark Towner, and me. Since there's a healthy amount of disdain for the likes of Towner among many of The Sidetrack's readers, I decided to put it here. And really, isn't it time Mark ended all the sanctimony and stopped accusing people of being--gasp--different than he is? Because really, that's not an insult in my book.


  1. I just took a look at Under The Table and Dreaming and I am SHOCKED! Shocked! to learn that you are a guy who not only loves his wife but takes her on ...VACATION!

    You egregious degenerate!

    Now, I too, know what and who you are. You're a Family Man! Ewwww!

    PS: Thanks for unintentionally pointing out that I'm a shitty husband. I should take my wife on vacation, or something, too, if for no other reason then Mark seems to be against vacationing with loved ones.

  2. Jeff, thanks for the comment. I think you're brilliant. And I think I might actually realize now what Mark learned from this post...

    I remarked how terrible the Pirate Wench show at Treasure Island was. That's not the real name of the show, or course, but I said I'd hoped for something that wasn't the Pussycat Dolls meets Pirates of the Carribean (and while it might sound appealing, believe me, it was just awful, boring crap).

    I think it must be part of the pirate code. Mess with one pirate, mess with them all. And I guess knocking pirate wenches is way out of bounds. At least I didn't insult Jack Sparrow...I might have been looking at the threat of a lawsuit.

  3. The old pirate show was much cooler. Treasure Island (excuse me, "ti") ruined itself when it tried to put sex appeal on pirates.

    Anywho, I've found that the "I know all about you comments" usually only come from people who have indefensible and intractable positions who can't think of anything better to do than be dismissive. The ultimate irony in regards to Mr. Towner is that he dismissed me as unimportant less than 48 hours before threatening to sue me.